Distant Dream

As a kid i always felt captivated by the charisma of Pakistan Air force. The uniform, the discipline, thrill, fighter jets and the spirit. Everything inspired me to make a wish and to dream! I remember my feelings; just to be a part of it one day. But then life happened, and my eyesight started weakening. Too early though. But it never stopped me from dreaming..

By matriculation I had a definite dream to be the first female GD Pilot of Pakistan. To be the one who will fly F-16s and to be the first female fighter pilot who will win sword of honor and embrace martyrdom while serving her homeland. I imagined this all. Wished it. However, I admit that it was too far fetched.

During the final days of matric in 2003, I remember sharing my wish with my friends. And they laughed, mostly because of how stupid it sounded from someone wearing spectacles. And partly because air force had not stated taking females yet for GD Pilot or even for engineering. However, some friends motivated me by saying that I can get a handsome fighter pilot, who may take me for a ride in his F-16. To which my reply was; "No! I want to be a fighter pilot myself!."

Later on, when internet came in, my first email id was "flyingofficerabeer@hotmail.com". One may call it a teen's obsession. 

So I started working on my eyesight by consuming loads of carrots a day during its season and off season trying different home remedies to strengthen my eyesight. Obviously the miracle of re-gaining 6/6 eyesight never happened. And I rather turned out as an average student. However, my wish; my dream always remained dear to me. I knew I can never achieve it. But I loved it.

Years later in 2012, I applied in air force for ground position. And I was rejected on medical basis due to my weak eyesight. It was devastating. It broke me. Because it was too unexpected for me. I still remember my walk from PAF Faisal base hospital to the main gate of selection center. I came all the way crying. Alone. Because weak eyesight was acceptable for ground positions but mine was too weak to be accepted. I buried my dream in my heart that day.

However, in all those years, something wonderful happened which never happened before. PAF started taking females for pilots. Girls were emerging much more than I imagined for myself. As fighter pilots, wearing that uniform, holding that helmet, taking extensive trainings, sitting in cockpits and flying the jets.A female cadet also won sword of honor. Even they were inducted in army other than medical posts. All of this always made me so happy that I can never explain in words. It all became a distant dream for me but for the love of it, this charisma remained with me.

And then yesterday, martyrdom of Marium Mukhtiar happened. For a moment, I was shaken. I glanced at her picture and my heartbeat was not normal. It was heartbreaking and it had a beauty. It reminded me of a wish. And how I imagined it. It was more or less the same. With all the armed forces inducting females more then ever in recent years, I never thought that such thing will ever happen. But it did. And I wonder how lucky she is. I have no words for the strength and courage for this young, fearless, intelligent and outstanding lady. 

May her soul rest in peace. She have achieved her dreams and inspired so many.

By now, I have seen my distant dream being fulfilled in so many forms by so many girls that it brighten me up from inside every time. It is one of the most beautiful feeling.

May we all achieve our dreams, no matter how high, no matter how far!

Tutti Fruity Cup

Driving through the busy traffic at night, she was looking for a good place for dinner - falling in route.
Suddenly, her gaze caught the newly open dessert renowned outlet.
"Oh Wow! I wasn't expecting they are open in this vicinity as well. Lets have it at the way back."

After the dinner, she entered the famous frozen yoghurt outlet with a lot full of enthusiasm. To taste it the very first time. And to have it all topped up as much she desired.

Following the instructions, she went on to pick the cups.
"Okay, lets have a small cup as i just had dinner".

To the wending machines, she one by one saw each flavour people pouring into their cups.
"Hmm, why not take all appealing flavours in lil bit quantities, to taste ALL. Weehee."  :P

The first two flavours poured almost as little as she wanted, but the last two poured much taller due to the first experience with wending machines.
"Ooops" :/

To the toppings, she tried best to put it in the cup on top of yoghurt bad sadly pineapples fell down and a staff came to her.
"Ma'am, can i help you?"
"Hmm, No. Hmm, yes. I am unable to decorate it properly, can you do it for me?"
"Ma'am, you left no space for toppings. I can only pour it into a bigger cup."
"Okay, Please."

He took the bigger cup & inserted the smaller one in it.
"Why don't you pour smaller one upside down in it."
"Ma'am, you won't like topping on it after that, the yoghurt will be de shaped, if i do so."
"Okay."

So, she finally decorated her cup with all the ingredients she wanted but not in much appealing manner due to two cups, paid the bill and came outside.

As she took the first spoon of her long time desired-mouthwatering indulgence, she glanced at the cup in her hands.
It was; "Filled-Over-Capacity."
She froze there!

She kept looking on it. Dropping her spoon. And looked it for ages...
A small cup in a big cup.
Four flavours.
All kind of toppings.
Wafers.
Cookies.
On Side-Fruit Slices.

She was watching it & she was Thinking it.
Picture. Her Life.

May be, i gave too much unneeded. too much unasked. too much before expected. too much without receiving anything in return. In the same manner!
May be, i filled the cup too much extra that it over burdened the real value. That, it all went in vain because it was too much to handle at a time. That, may be this lot of feelings were not meant to be shown."

Her carving for the dessert died.
And it taste went sour in her mouth.
Her heart died!

She put the cup aside & drove back to home.
And the cup went in waste, in the same manner!

Dilemma

I think to write...

And then words fade away!

All It Takes...

Moving On!

Requires only one moment of realization & a thousands deaths within one's own being!

Loneliness

Loneliness teaches you how to see
When you feel blind

Loneliness teaches you how to smile
When you forgot this gesture

Loneliness teaches you how to stand
When you are lying on death bed

Loneliness teaches you how to find yourself
When you'd actually lost your soul & being

Loneliness teaches you how to search
little light of hope in deep darkness

Loneliness is the most helpless situation ever.

Its the feeling which breaks you...
Inch by inch..
moment by moment..
step by step..
bit by bit..
torn till the last fragment of life..

Loneliness demands the sacrifice of existence!

And than;

Only at a certain stage of this destruction
Loneliness builds up a courage
silently inside
That tells you to breathe again
It becomes a teacher & gives support.

But the only thing loneliness is unable to teach;
is how to forget the person who made you lonely!

My dear Secret Fan factory !

If you think that this blog has a very few readers & fans or this is not a much popular blog than you are wrong. Far too much wrong!

For; as a matter of good fact this blog or may be you can say it's writer has gained immense popularity within last few months and as a matter of not so good fact this popularity is actually largely composed of our society most popular *Fffrrraannddshheppp* curse rather than the actual writing or blogging impact.

It happened since the day i've published my these three posts:

1. River flows in you...

2. Blunt.

3. But what do we call that?

and my my...... i never knew my these posts will invent a Fan Factory for me.

Cut the long story short... from the whole lot of responses i am too date receiving, only the few were the literary called responses and all the rest are... RUBBISH !

I truly appreciate those few readers who took out their time, trace my email and inbox me their views regarding my blog filled with the sweet & the sour, the good & the weak side, appreciations, pointed flaws in my writings and formal criticism. It includes both genders. Much much thanks !

All the others...

Who fall in different stages of fraindsheppp...

and these stages goes from the mild to the worst level.

1. There were the one's who read those posts or anyone one of them or took an overlook of my blog, liked *me* and mailed me and express me their maximum one line "view" and asked me to be friends. [IGNORE]

2. Then came those who got some more time, searched me on facebook and inbox me + a friend request. [IGNORE]

3. Then those who just got stick to their messages and keep-telling-me-how-great-i-am even after the request ignore; unless and until i had to block them. [IGNORE]

4. Then came some those who exceed the one-line-thing, come up with their great observations regarding me through my oh-so-deeply-romantic-writings and my oh-so-innocent display picture at facebook and hammered on my head their constant messages and friend request from different different names, send me their CVs..... oh yes! Really the kind of CV's which includes all the details from their personal traits to their professional achievements and were alas failed to prove their i-am-your-biggest-fan sentiments + *sincere* concerns. [IGNORE]

Advice to them: Next time don't forget to write your salary package or yearly income, than may be i'll look forward.

5. And in the end, this category of my fans which actually include a total of two individuals made me to write this post and hence cannot be IGNORED.

Those smart brains wrote me that how great i am, how good i look and how eastern i appear but how much i am a sinner. Because i write the stuff which stimulates hidden desires, express western approach, respond to my male readers at comments more & frankly; hence i have NO female readers, unethically wrote about my "personal experience" in the posts River Flows in You & But What DO We Call That, a fake; as i wears a scarf and try to appear religious, and so not a good eastern girl because i am exploiting the limits which are imposed on me according to our society and religion. Hence, i should mend my ways straight as soon as possible because it is a dangerous age which spoil people and throw them away from a peaceful eternity. And i am the current victim of it.

For those dear well wishers and for every other kind i want to say a few words:

Thank you for increasing the number of my blog readers till now and i will be more thankful to you if you may decrease it immediately and save your clicks, time and eye sight!

If you are really not willing to go at the saving plan than you newbies at net or at blogging world must spend your ample time in learning rather than scrutinizing others.

Writings are primarily author's insight and not the personal experiences except the mentioned publications and biographies.

Blogs & social networking sites are not meant to be chase your formula eligible *eastern* girls.

And if you are really so gutsy then while pointing a total stranger and passing your judgments; evaluate the other four fingers FIRST which points you, express directly in blog comments rather than messaging anonymously or through other ways so you can receive your well deserved reply. Good Luck!

P.S: Oh Lord! bless this blog with mature readership and prevent it from this kind of secret fan factory!

Wabastagi

Kitni ajeeb baat hy...

Koe uns bhi baqi nahi

Zara qarar bhi hasil nahi

Rastey bhi huaye juda juda

Manzilen bhi alag hoen

Phir bhi najane kyon

Ek dojey se yeh dor kat-ti nahi

Nafrat hy

Phir bhi yeh wabastagi marti nahi !

P.S: i wrote it last year, may be a decade back or may be just some moments back... back in the dark midnight for the reason unknown... that scribbled torn piece of paper... such a mess & i found it today.